Do We Need to Avoid Mistakes?

Are mistakes avoidable, inevitable, transformable?  Are mistakes necessary?

Mistakes can at times, feel dangerous. Mistakes and failures are thought to us from a young age to be avoided. Whether mistakes are experienced  first hand, or we have watched family or friends suffer the impact, we know they can be painful.

We organize our life around trauma. It is part of our ‘blueprint’ to detect danger, and to protect us from making mistakes. It can also prevent us from taking risks that though may bring an unknown outcome, can be a portal to a part of us we never knew existed.

In an article in  Psychology today, ‘What is a mistake’, Mel Schwartz L.C.S.W.. writes: “Most people try to avoid making mistakes, and some people experience a significant amount of apprehension and anxiety about committing mistakes. We labor over making decisions out of this fear, which tends to paralyze us. Such individuals labor over making decisions, significant or insignificant. People who struggle with making decisions tend to be avoidant, for the longer they can procrastinate the decision, the more they protect themselves from the illusion of mistakes. Yet, we don’t usually stop to consider exactly what constitutes a mistake.”

From an article by Jason S. Moser,  How Your Brain Reacts To Mistakes Depends On Your Mindset 

“Whether you think you can or think you can’t—you’re right,” said Henry Ford. A new study, to be published in an upcoming issue of Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, finds that people who think they can learn from their mistakes have a different brain reaction to mistakes than people who think intelligence is fixed.”

“People who think they can learn from their mistakes did better after making a mistake – in other words, they successfully bounced back after an error. Their brains also reacted differently, producing a bigger second signal, the one that says “I see that I’ve made a mistake, so I should pay more attention” Moser says.

 ‘If I knew then what I know now’… 

At times, as a therapist, a parent, a partner or a friend,  I want to save other from mistakes that I have done. I want to provide answers, solutions, resolutions, shortcuts, and passwords… to avoid mistakes.

Trying to save others from the mistakes they may make, or the one I did, and wishing to be able to pass on what I had to learn ‘the hard way’, through experiences, is not always the healthy choice.

Learning to cope with actions and consequences, developing the part of the brain that is willing to risk, adjusting to situations where we have no control of the outcomes, are all learning experiences that are parts of our life, that is hard to avoid and that are part of what it means to be alive.

And, were they really mistakes?,  I would not be here, in my 6th decade of being alive, feeling the wisdom and vulnerability I gained along the way, and being who I am today, without those mistakes..

Namasté. , or, as Byron Katie says, ‘No mistakes’ …

(na·ma·ste) is an ancient Sanskrit greeting still in everyday use in India and especially on the trail in the Nepal Himalaya. Translated roughly, it means “I bow to the God within you”, or “The Spirit within me salutes the Spirit in you”

In relationships, we will make mistakes.  We will hurt the ones we love. My question is always are they ‘deal breakers’ or ‘game changers’.

In a blog I wrote few years ago, Infidelity – a Deal Breaker – or – a Game Changer ?,  that though affairs in relationships can be devastating, at times, with lots of work, (usually in couples therapy,), partners can begin to rebuild trust, create connection, transparency and love.

It can be  the ‘phoenix that comes out of the ashes’ — the old relationship had to die and be grieved for, but the new relationship brings about changes and transformation that can be remarkable.

Mistakes in relationships are not always breaches of trust or infidelity. They can be decisions about careers, building a house, travels, choices… when we dare to take risks, we may make mistakes, but then again, that is part of being human.

I LOVE New York!!! That city has been in my life since my grandmother arrived in Elise Island when she was 14. My mother was born there, I landed there the first time I arrived in the US, my daughter went to school there, and I have traveled to NYC more times in the decades of my life then I remember..

It is a fascinating city encapsulating deep rich history, full with diversity,  colorfulness and richness of cultures, languages, ethnic neighborhoods, financial institutions, fashion, theater, music, and so much more.

Last month we had the privilege and honor to be hosted and teach our Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop at the beautiful MaHa Rose Center for Healing in Brooklyn NY. 

It was a new experience and needed a ‘bit of a stretch’ as it was in a new venue, and took some logistics adjustment, but it was an amazing experience and thought me a lot.

Here are few of the many testimonials we got from our participants:
“This 2-day workshop allowed my partner and I to open up more directly and deepen our connection. We were able to witness each other in ways that we didn’t realize were needed or possible. Highly recommend.”

“Fantastic Experience. Powerful workshop that transformed the way we approach our relationship. Gave us many tools to deepen our relationship. Look forward to applying them to our relationship.”

“I would encourage couples to avail themselves of these teachings. They are key to navigation and negotiation in any loving relationship. All human partnership faces adversity at some point, and these teachings provide a safe, open, honest way to address the issues and problems that inevitably present themselves.”

SO MUCH gratitude to all of the couples who have taken our workshops, and gave us the honor to hold space for the transformation that happens over those weekends.

Our next Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop, will be September 14-15, 2019, in beautiful Nevada City California. 

Led by Dalia Anderman, LMFT & Owen Marcus, MA.

Though I lead this workshop regularly, it’s always a renewed and compelling experience for me to facilitate, witness, and hold space for the vulnerable reaching that occurs between partners during the workshop.

At our Hold Me Tight couples workshop, in a safe, intimate, private setting, we hold space for couples to become vulnerable and open to explore, experience, touch and talk through issues that have been untouched. It is time set aside to have these conversations that have been waiting for a long time to happen.

We Invite and Welcome all Couples!!

Hold Me Tight® is a registered trademark to Sue Johnson

Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop-SEPT 2019

Don’t miss this unique opportunity that helped many couples find the way back to a secure connected romantic intimate relationship.

About workshop leaders, Dalia and Owen:

Dalia Anderman LMFT, is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Northern California with offices in Nevada City, and Sacramento.  Dalia has over 20 years of experience working with individuals, couples, and families on a wide range of issues.

Over the past 10 years, Dalia’s primary clinical modality has been Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). She has had advance training in EFT including attending many of Sue Johnson’s trainings. Sue Johnson is the creator of EFT.

Dalia’s passion lies in the map and tools that this attachment-based system has given us to help couples discover that the secret to their relationship is not in the solving of the ‘argument of the day’ but in understanding the longing and desperation when our connection to our loved ones is severed.

Dalia has helped numerous couples find their way back to connection, intimacy, vulnerability, and sexual desire.

Dalia has been leading, teaching, and facilitating the Hold Me Tight® couples workshop program nationally and internationally for over 5 years including in Israel, South Africa, and around the United States. 

Keeping the Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop group small, Dalia developed an intimate and experiential format to the workshop, allowing couples to dive deeper into their relationship.

Though working with couples is her main passion and focus, Dalia is also fully trained and specializes in EMDR, CBT, Family Systems, trauma, addiction, parenting, sexual and intimacy issues, and life’s transitions. She is also on the Mental Health medical team at Burning Man.

Owen Marcus MA,  developed a new model for men’s groups and coaching from working with men over 25 years. He saw that our struggle is not that we are screwed up, it’s that we were never trained how to succeed emotionally as a man. Our relationships and careers suffer because our emotions are anything but our superpower. Owen’s approach is to facilitate deep change quickly and have it continue to develop.

His book Grow Up: A Man’s Guide to Masculine Emotional Intelligence lays out how a man can develop any of the nine stages he may never have an opportunity to cultivate. His leadership trainings for men and businesses transform emotional limitation into relationship mastery.

His work with couples comes from teaching himself that to have a nourishing relationship we need to connect and to connect we need to open up. For many of us, we were never given good models let alone tools on how to do these simple tasks.

As a co-founder of Evryman, he develops and leads trainings throughout the world that give me a safe place to develop the skills that were not taught to us. He believes men can flourish in all their relationships—there are thousands of men who would agree.

We keep the groups small and intimate, sign up ASAP, all of our previous workshops have been Sold-Out!

Click here to register.

Please FORWARD the information to anyone you think will benefit from this work, and please call or email me with any questions or for more information.

Here is a blog with lots more information about the workshop.

I am in gratitude to all of you