As soon as January rolls in, the shelves in the grocery store fill up with Valentine’s Day ‘goodies’… pink bears, heart shaped chocolate boxes, chocolate roses, flowers, cards… all reminding us NOT to forget our loved ones on Valentine’s Day…
Getting it ‘right’ on Valentine’s Day can be tricky.. so ‘How Do I Get it Right’? How do I let them know that I love and care?
For many of us, Valentine’s Day is stressful. There are so many expectations, and with them, the potential for failure.. We may feel apprehensive, with fears and stress about abandonment, betrayals, rejections, and disappointment. ‘Will I matter to you?’.. ‘Will I get it ‘right’… ‘Will I ever be good enough?’
It is said that January is the ‘Divorce Month‘.. I am not sure if it is because of Holiday stress (See my blog about Holiday Stress), or that for some of us, our New Year Resolutions, are about starting a new page in our life (here is my blog post about New Year Resolutions), but according to much research, there are more divorce papers filed in January then in any other month.
In his blog post ‘Why is January Divorce Month?‘, Barton Goldsmith PhD. writes, “According to the courts, January is the month when most divorces are filed. It may be because the holidays are over or that people want a fresh start at the New Year. Some couples who’ve been planning to break up choose to avoid disrupting their families during the holidays. Others may be hoping that their situation or their partner’s behaviors will change, and when nothing shifts, they opt for dissolution, which at best is a sad thing.”
Maybe that is why, as February rolls in.. we are obviously in the ‘recovery zone’ and eager to get our romantic love ‘right’, and Valentine’s Day a success …
Some years ago I wrote a blog post called: Are the ‘Reds’ of Valentine’s Day Giving you the ‘Blues’? Whether we are in a good solid relationship, wishing and longing to be in one, or struggling to make sense of a difficult complicated relationship: relationships are HARD. Making it through the roller-coaster of togetherness, can be difficult. Balancing a life of chores, children, economics, extended family, while keeping the sacredness of sex and intimacy, can be challenging.
Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic ’til I’m gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove
Dance me to the end of love…” – Leonard Cohen
Leonard Cohen’s longing lyrics … Dance me through the panic ’til I’m gathered safely in… remind us what we are really looking for…
We are all longing for that ‘safety in connection’, for that sense that we can let go of our anxieties, relax, knowing that we are held and witnessed. We want to know that ‘I am safe with you’, that when I need you, you will be there for me, and you have my back. We all need that.
We are wired for survival and for connection. For most of us, our sense of intuition will alert us to any emotional danger in our relationships, and any disconnect signal danger. We will then want to protect ourselves, by prompting a protest, a fight or flight, or freeze and flee response. It is when that safe love connection gets compromised, that our primary panic alarm sets us off, alerting us to the danger of disconnect from a loved one.
One of my favorite authors is speaker, change agent, and inspirations leader Brené Brown , who talks about how important vulnerability is to relationships, connections, and love.
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.”
“Through my research, I found that vulnerability is the glue that holds relationships together. It’s the magic sauce.” ~ Brené Brown
So maybe, after all, getting it ‘right’… is not about the presents but about the presence…
Last weekend, during the last hours of our Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop, here in Nevada City CA, (“Hold Me Tight®” is a registered trademark to Sue Johnson), as we set to our closing ritual, there was not a dry eye in the group. It was so profound, and deep, that once again, I was struck with awe, and immense gratitude to Dr. Sue Johnson who embarked on this journey of figuring out couples relationships, and broke the code of ‘what it is to love’, what are the obstacles to secure attachment, and how to achieve deep close bonding connections with our loved ones.
A man came to me as we were saying our goodbyes, and said: “the work we did this weekend, I never thought will ever be possible between us, you saved our marriage, and you changed my life, being vulnerable was a longing I had all my life. I just did not know how to call it, or how to get there”.
Another participant came and said: “It feels so reassuring to know that we are not alone. To connect with other couples in this setting and to learn so much about how to get our relationship right. The Hold Me Tight workshop gave us a map to succeed in our relationship”.
For those of you who have made a New Year resolution for a better relationship, and want to deepen and strengthen your relationship and connection, we are offering our next , Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop on Saturday and Sunday, May 5-6, 2018, in Nevada City CA.
(Spaces are limited, so Please SIGN UP ASAP.)
At our Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop, in a safe, intimate, private setting, we hold space for couples to become vulnerable and open to explore, experience, touch and talk through issues that have been untouched. It is time set aside to have these conversations that have been waiting for a long time to happen.
“Hold Me Tight®” is a registered trademark to Dr. Sue Johnson, founder and originator of Emotionally Focused Therapy.(EFT).
The focus of EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), is to help partners understand more clearly each other’s deepest emotions. Feelings are often hidden, unexpressed or misunderstood. Our relationships can be a cause of stress and pain or a source of comfort and joy. In EFT, we help couples learn how to deal with their feelings together, reach towards each other, and be responsive in more loving and positive ways.
• have recurring fights that go round and round without resolution?
• lack affection, intimacy, closeness, or sex?
• feel alone, lonely, betrayed, abandoned?
Do you want to:
- feel more closeness, connection, and engagement with your partner?
- have good fulfilling communication?
- learn how to reach for your partner at times of need?
- renew your commitment for intimacy and sexual connection?
- learn how to ‘dance to the end of love’?
At our Hold Me Tight® Couples Relationship Workshop, you will learn and experience how to:
• Affirm strengths in your relationship by developing understanding, communication, and bonding.
• Address negative cycle patterns, and learn why they show up, and how to get out of them.
• Learn how to repair and forgive injuries, and become vulnerable with each other.
• Enhance your emotional, physical, and sexual closeness, and INTIMACY.
The focus of EFT is to help partners to understand more clearly each other’s deepest emotions. Feelings are often hidden, unexpressed or misunderstood. Our relationships can be a cause of stress and pain or a source of comfort and joy. We help couples learn how to deal with their feelings together, reach towards each other, and be Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged.. in more loving and positive ways.
This is a great opportunity to have a deeper and vulnerable look at your relationship, develop new skills to recognize the cycle and patterns that inflict the relationship and keep you separated and apart, and it is also a beautiful time to connect and highlight the strengths of your relationship, and build on the positives that already exist.
Though I lead this workshop regularly, it’s always a renewed, compelling experience for me to facilitate, witness, and hold space for the vulnerable reaching that occurs between partners during the workshop.
Owen’s TEDX talk: What 10,000 Years Of Progress Has Cost.
As I keep the groups small and intimate, if you know you want to sign up, I will encourage you to do so shortly, as all our workshop in the last few years have been Sold-Out!
This is a great opportunity to have a deeper and vulnerable look at your relationship, to understand the dance of your own relationships, and develop new skills to recognize the cycle and patterns that inflict the relationship and keep you separated and apart.
It is also a beautiful time to connect and highlight the strengths of your relationship, and build on the positives that already exist.
Please do not hesitate to Contact me with any questions or for more information.
Wishing all of you a special, connected, happy, secure, sweet Valentine’s Day.
With Warm Regards and Love,
(530) 692 0680