Dancing through our relationship panic

“Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic ’til I’m gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove
Dance me to the end of love…”  – Leonard Cohen

Safety in Relationship by Dalia Anderman, MFTDance me through the panic ’til I’m gathered safely in… We are all longing for that ‘safety in connection’, for that sense that we can let go of our anxieties, relax, knowing that we are held and witnessed. We want to know that ‘I am safe with you’, that when I need you, you will be there for me, and you have my back. We all need that.

We are wired for survival and for connection. For most of us, our sense of intuition will alert us to any emotional danger in our relationships, and any disconnect signal danger. We will then want to protect ourselves, by prompting a protest, a fight or flight, or freeze and flee response.  It is when that safe love connection gets compromised, that our primary panic alarm sets us off, alerting us to the danger of disconnect from a loved one.

Safety in Relationship by Dalia Anderman, MFTOur infants and children know how to respond when they feel the danger of our disconnection. They experience separation anxiety, but when we have secure bonds with our children, we are quick to offer them comfort and reassurance. We all need that as adults, too.

We all long for that sense of being ‘gathered safely in’; When we can truly let go, take a deep breath, lean in, and let our shoulders down.

Dr. Sue Johnson, the author of Hold Me Tight and Love Sense, and the originator or EFT (Emotional Focused Therapy), says:

“Our loved one is our shelter in life. When this person is unavailable and unresponsive we are assailed by a tsunami of emotions — sadness, anger, hurt and above all, fear. This fear is wired in. Being able to rely on a loved one, to know that he or she will answer our call is our innate survival code.”
Safety in Relationship by Dalia Anderman, MFT

When we sense that a primary love relationship is threatened, we go into a primal panic.  Underneath all the loud arguments and long silences, partners are asking each other the key questions in the drama of love: “Are you there for me? Do I and my feelings matter to you? Will you respond to me when I need you?”

“The answers to these questions, questions that are so hard to ask and so hard to hear in the heat of a fight, make the difference between emotional safety and emotional peril and starvation.”

Safety in Relationship by Dalia Anderman, MFT
Summer is a time for letting go, for stopping that mad rush, and relaxing; long days, reading on the beach, shutting down our ‘devices’, camping, hiking, backpacking, kayaking, connecting with family. It is a time to let go of the stresses that bog us down and keep us nervous, anxious and intense.

For some of us, summer may provide the space for inquiries and discoveries, inside and out, and the luxury of taking our time to ‘be’ and think and reflect.  It can be a time of a slower pace, a pause in the hectic-ness of the year, where we can allow ourselves to breathe just a little deeper, and look around.

Safety in Relationship by Dalia Anderman, MFTAs the summer is winding down, for me it is a time for reflection, for check-in with myself, for pondering and meditation assessments and  my emotions, having some check-in with myself and my surrounding,

For me it is also a time of regrouping and connection with myself and with my close tribe, family, friends, loved ones. This summer I got to see some old friends in NYC that I have not seen for many years. We continued our conversations where we last left off, knowing how precious our time on this life journey is. We spend time ‘catching up’ and closing the distance of time and space of each other lives. Our close friends, and loved ones, are a mirror and a witness to our life.

Safety in Relationship by Dalia Anderman, MFT

When the flow of summer allows us to slow down, we also at times may reflect and evaluate and witness our own relationships. At times we may discover an inner voice calling us for more connection and the longing for change and a deeper intimacy, understanding and closeness.

At our Hold Me Tight relationship enhancement Workshop – participants will learn and experience how to:

• Affirm strengths in your relationship by developing understanding and bonding.
• Address negative cycle patterns, and learn why they show up, and how to get out of them.
• Learn how to repair and forgive injuries, and become vulnerable with each other.
• Enhance your emotional, physical, and sexual closeness and INTIMACY.

I’m delighted to be offering my next HMT couples workshop in Sandpoint, Idaho November 19-20th, 2016 and then again here in Nevada City CA on January 28-29th, 2017. Owen Marcus, MA, author, workshop facilitator, and TEDxTalk presenter on Masculine Emotional Intelligence, will once again be joining us.

Owen brings with him the width of decades of leading and facilitating men’s group all over the country, helping men access their masculine vulnerability. Owen’s presence, and his work with couples and men, will enhance this upcoming Hold Me Tight workshop, by offering his depth, support, and perspective to the couples in our workshop.

Here are the links to Owen’s work: http://owenmarcus.com
Owen’s TEDX talk: What 10,000 Years Of Progress Has Cost | Owen Marcus | TEDxSpokane


Hold Me Tight Flyer 2017

As I keep the groups small and intimate, if you know you want to sign up, I will encourage you to do so shortly, as they do tend to fill up.

This is a great opportunity to have a deeper and vulnerable look at your relationship, develop new skills to recognize the cycle and patterns that inflict the relationship and keep you separated and apart.

It is also a beautiful time to connect and highlight the strengths of your relationship, and build on the positives that already exist.

Please do not hesitate to Contact me with any questions or for more information. Looking forward to sharing the workshop with you and I hope you are enjoying this beautiful summer.

Warm regards,


(530) 692 0680

RSVP on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/events/496868083845854/